Ponderous thoughts......

I feel as though I will be updating more frequently. More to come later...

Peace :)
Steph

I just wanted to post so that I could prove that I can go back to something from my past whenever I feel like it!

Current Mood: cold

so I am such a pushover I consistently and constantly do what people "need" me to do...but surprisngly it affords me certain oppurtunities.

I am so glad to have taken the final and to be done with by far my most challenging course this semester. I found it incredibily difficult to listen to other people's belliefs being read off as truths for about ninety days. It's really hard to listen to someone spout on and on about things that everyone else just accepts as the abject truth. Not everyone beliefs this stuff that was being said but not everyone stood up and disagreed. It is so not cool that I constantly get berated for taking a stand against conformity with a logical thought process. It sucks to be a peacock in a world of blind sheep. Throughout growing up I found myself asking a timeless question: Why is it so difficult to just be oneself? Invariably I find myself with a single answer- To be oneself is to be different then others. To be different means a lack of understanding about other, different, people. People are afraid of what they don't understand. Fear manifests itself in many differnt and trying ways.

Peace :)
Steph

Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: background music to sister's computer game

How is it that for all of my intentions, I cannot manage to follow through with any of them lately. Perhaps it's not just lately, this could be a character flaw. I am a self-described control freak with no will power. I didn't even know that was possible. It is way too early and I am way too tired. I really don't want to go to class today. It's not that I feel bad I just feel semi-lethargic. Damn my lack of will power. I totally planned my sleep deprivation schedule and yesterday went great. Last night I think I might have ruined it.

Peace :)

Steph

Current Mood: geeky
Current Music: abso-bloody-lutely silent

It starts off pretty good but toward the conclusion everything just goes downhill. For something that was finished at 1 o'clock in the morning I am pretty impressed. I'm kind of wondering if the start of the paper can make up in any way for the conclusion. My introduction kind of kicked ass.

Current Mood: barely awake
Current Music: sound of the printer

So I really wanted to go on myspace this morning: but it is down for regular site maintenance and that kind of sucks. Oh well. I'm pretty tired and the coffee hasn't finished brewing yet so I'm still really half asleep and still kind of craving my pillow and sheets. What is a girl to do first thing in the morning? My favorite guess if I was less of a procrastinator would be to do some work for class today, but in all honesty it probably wouldn't be all that good. I would undoubtedly not remember a word that I read or wrote. I think I'm going to get coffee and get dressed. The bus comes soon and I really don't want to miss it.

Peace :) Happy Holidays
Steph

Current Mood: barely awake
Current Music: silence of early morning

I'm not just angry I'm pissed. I am so angry right now that I am shaking. I don't want anything to do with him ever again. I don't know who the hell he thinks he is that cowardly ass hole. Who the fuck would swear to their own 14 year old child? He is the fucking worst father ever. I hate him. He fucking sucks ass.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Current Mood: pissed off

I fucking hate him. With a lively passion I don't care if he lives or dies. I want him to have no impact on my life. I want him out. I hate him. He fucking sucks ass. There is no other person on the planet who I would let get away with all of the shit that he has done to my family. I don't want anything to do with him. His last breath will be right before the largest sigh of relief that has ever escaped from my mouth. When he is gone my life will be complete. He doesn't deserve to die but it would make me intensely happy. What the hell was I thinking letting him tread all over my family. He makes them cry and it fucking sucks. I am so sick of his shit and not being able to do anything about it.

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Screaming

I am really quite responsible. I don't misbehave, I work hard, I babysit, I make decent grades, I fulfill obligations, I meet expectations, I don't act out really. So why is it that there is so much that I don't do and that people critique me for, why does everyone have to nitpick. I do everything else that they want me to do for them and everyone else. Why aren't I finally good enough?

I really need a break from my life. I need some period of time when I don't have to be the girl who is dependable, I don't want to be the good girl, I want to go out and have a great time just being myself and surprising people in a different way.

I'm sick of pretending...

: | Steph

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Seether "Remedy"

Sometimes I have difficult understanding the concept behind not being able to sleep. It is in fact very difficult to understand a lot of things when one is suffering from sleep deprivation.

My mother got so mad at me on Sunday night and yesterday afternoon was the first time that she really talked to me since I'm so glad that she's getting over it finally. My brother always makes things worse sometimes without even trying. I have class and work tonight, and therefore can't start anything until after 6:00 p.m. This means that I can't get to sleep until 12-1:00. I'm tired of doing twenty hour days every day I need the weekend now!

Be yellow and green but not in the sense of jaundice and fungus.

Peace :)

Steph

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: The drip of the coffee pot!!

Tonight Jay and I are going to go to the movies to see Cry Wolf, I am so excited I really need to get out of the house and doing something not school related. I just went over Mandakinze's house and we spent like two and half hours on homework = lack of fun. I am totally sick of being at home because my mother is fucking critical and I don't think that I can take much more. She's going to some college funding seminar thing tonight too so it really will be a break from life. Not to mention the fact that my little brother drives me insane and I don't want to be home when the man who contributed sperm to my being drops my sister off at home at 8.

I feel kind of self centered right now and I'm not entirely sure that my head is in a very good place. I feel like I've been in school for way too long and I need to have a break and get away from it all. I'm really contemplating the ideas and concepts behind colors right now and I feel like a new theory could be developing for me. I feel like colors might be something. I just have a quote racing through my mind over and over again that I somehow feel might be mildly relative. "Describe the object, " the geometry teacher says. " Blue" the student responds. "Not a color describe what it is (shape)."  I feel like colors can be.

Is black a color? Is white really the absence of color? What is color? Why does it exsist?

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Macy Gray "I Try"

I mean smoke billowing from my eardrums. I have not a single rational thought in my brain. I am literally insane. Nothing can stop me. I need serious help. No really, I need to get a grip. I am totally sick of being told to relax. If it was so fucking easy why the hell haven't I done it yet? It is so easy to say such idiotic and uncomforting things like, "Just cool down",or even better "Breathe."
I am not really that angry of a person I just am totally sick of how much things can suck.

I worry. OK get the fuck over it. If I'm flipping out, it's not funny, it's not be just being me, it's not fodder for future jokes or conversations, it's none of anybody's fucking business. So get the hell out of my damn face and don't even think of pretending that you know me at all.
Aghh... idiots.

I don't even know what it was that set me off today. I mean I walked into English class and I felt wonderful. Then at some point between then and the end of the day, I just got pissed. I am so angry and I have no idea why. I am literally having a written panic attack right now instead of hyperventilating, or attacking a person. This feels mildly healthy, I am so proud of myself.

I feel much better. I have a lot of pent up aggression, this seems so much better then holding it in. I should just write out my angry feelings. So let's psychoanalyze: Why am I angry?

• My father is a pricky asshole--this makes me angry
• I am entirely oppressed in today's society
• My family (Mum, brother, sister) are incredibly critical of everything that we do
• I hate myself--I don't react well to stress and I hold myself to an entirely different set of standards then I do for other people
• School is stressing me out-- too much work, not enough time to learn the material before tests
• I fuck up everything that I come into contact with

Wow! I am very angry. My heart is beating faster right now. I am calming down. It has been a while since I felt this relaxed actually. I can feel my muscles relaxing and the tension letting go. It actually hurts. Things will get better I can feel it in my bone marrow.

Peace :)

Steph

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: my creaky chair

Me, I'm feeling really sickly right now. I don't know precisely why it took me so long to get sick, because everyone else in my family was sick like a month ago when I was fine. My nose is stuffed, I have a really bad headache, and every single muscle in my body hurts.

Lately I have been noticing that I am very weird. In the actual sense of my being abnormal. I'm not entirely sure that this is a bad thing. But if anyone else has any ideas I really would hope that they would share them with me. I feel as though I'm falling into an abyss, like my entire life is falling or rather collapsing down again. I feel like I'm too weak to hold anything up anymore. But mostly right now I feel like I'm settling which scares me because if I feel like I'm weird when I'm being the closest to myself, perhaps the real me is certifiably insane.

I wonder if I am actually okay right now or if that is all just wishful thinking. How crazy do you have to be before it stops registering to yourself? If it isn't okay to be like this, is there anything that I can do to get better? Oh, boy.

Peace :)

Steph

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Kelly Clarkson "Since You Been Gone"

It's Friday and I just felt the need to write something down. Not necessarily to mark something or some important occasion in my young life but to get out words so that I can see them. I feel restless, as if I need to do something but I just can't put my finger on what it is that I want to do. I suppose that I should be doing my history homework but the start of school just seems so far away. I can't be bothered to get dressed and I don't particularly feel like making plans for today. I just feel anxious I suppose. My mind is racing and so is my heart.

Life throws interesting things at a person. Life or rather the collection of memories that builds as we age is odd almost to the point of being completely illogical. I wonder where I'll be in twenty years; that is if I'll be in twenty years. So I know this guy who says that he's an existentialist. I'm not entirely sure why, but I just can't buy that belief. In fact I'm having a lot of trouble submitting lately to any preconceived form of thought. I just don't buy much right now.

I'm very angry right now. It's like an undercurrent just beneath the surface of my everyday emotions. I can't really get past it right now. I feel like I need to fix my life but I'm too angry to start. My father is one of the main sources of my anger. I really just wish that he'd go away, so that I wouldn't have to deal with his shit anymore.

My anxiety has returned and I really don't know how to make it go away. This is a problem that makes me angry with myself and it is something that I need to fix as soon as possible. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy and I realize that I have it pretty good if I compare my life to other people's, but I really wish I could just catch a mental break. Because right now I really can't stand to be myself.

I also have noticed that recently I have been incredibly mean to people around me. I have tended to take out my frustrations on other people and I realize that this is wrong. I guess I just got sick of compartmentalizing all of my problems and stopped doing it. This is unacceptable and weak. I have no reason to complain. I need to get a better grip. I just haven't been feeling like myself and everyone is pissing me off. I'm going to stop acting like that now. It isn't me and it doesn't fix anything.

Peace :)

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Hum of the air conditioner

A poem i just wrote

My Thoughts
Thoughts coursing through my brain
People seem distant
Unimportant
Time flying past my window
The perspective I have is unique
Different
Ideas challenging my every belief
Doubt is incessant
Always
I can't give in
I won't give in
I'm just too
Stubborn

Current Mood: agitated
Current Music: "A Party for Two" Shania Twain f. Mark McGrath

If it were so easy for me to relax why wouldn't I do it. If anyone else gets hyped up(freaked out?)they are told to relax by someone. If it were so easy why doesn't the person trust that they can do it without being told.

How is it natural to be calm if their are elements in society that frazzle the human race. How is it healthy to just get over something so quickly by just calming down? If something bothers someone why would anyone logically assume that the healthiest thing for that person to do is to stop having their own feelings.

Why does it bother other people when people are "over-reacting" to something that they care enough about to do something in public? If one person is worried about something people panic because they begin to question whether it is actually a good situation or if they too should be worrying. Worrying takes a lot of work and energy. Maybe people aren't willing to put that much effort into something that they were wrong at one point about, so to save face they try to oppress the opposing view so they don't have to ever make that decision.

People fear the unknown so much. That which is not determined easily just can not have any bearing on the decison making process of some of these people. The complex is just too much work for these people. Is it too much work for me?

That's all for now. I need to think.
Peace!

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Sum 41 "We're all to Blame"

Blackmail is one of the worst part's of our society. It's now so acceptable that parents use blackmail to get their kids to do things. How wrong is that? It also bothers me how you never really notice something that is wrong until it happens to you [at least half the time.] I feel so selfish, like I never really care about other people until it affects me. I just can't always think about all of the people in the world and be sane. Is that another human safety measure? Is it even possible to think about other people all the time and still be considered a rational human being.

Crossfade is my new favorite band. I bought the cd on a complete whim and I love every single song. This band rocks and if anyone actually reads this they need  to check Crossfade out as soon as humanly possible.

Today my father came to pick up some of his... stuff,no crap. All the power tools that he has collected over the course of his nineteen year marriage to my mum. He sent an e-mail that I had the extreme privelage of reading. The twisted lies that come out of that man's mouth still astound me even though they shouldn't. I am absolutely sick of him being in the same state as my family and me. I guess sometimes people who aren't willing to change, just can't. It's just dissapointing to build up some sub-conscious hope that I could be wrong about him and then him blowing it to a milllion shattered pieces when he does yet another moronic thing that screws up my whole family. It's not right for him to mess around with my little brother and sister like this. My mum just can't take any more of this crap that he's putting her through. I am sick of having to hug her when she's crying over some new stupid thing that he's gone and done. I am sick of all the crying in my life. Ughh! Sometimes life is just so unnecessary. Like the fact that he needs to rub his idiocy in my face all the time, when it would be so much easier to just leave us alone.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Crossfade "The Deep End"